Little Trooper

Yesterday was Ryker's scope. It was a very long day for all of us, but oveall it went well. He was a trooper and was back to eating his french fries by 8 o'clock.

We left Logan at 9:30, arrived at noon, he went in at 1:40 and I was back with him by 3:40 and we left at 6 pm...wow. He had some medicine before he left that made him calm and it was a good thing because he was not having anything to do with anyone but mommy. I love Primary Children's (as much as you can love a hospital.) The anestesiologist came and put Ryker in a wagon with a toy and then pulled him into the procedure room. As soon as he rounded the corner and said "we'll see you later", I was out of there. I would have ran down the hall and scooped Ryker up if I had heard him cry when he realized we weren't there.

As far as results go, there was nothing visibly wrong. He has a couple places with bumps, but those can just be normal. Dr. Wu took lots of biopsies to check if his villi were abnormal, if he has enzymes to digest sugar, if he has a chronic infection....

Overall, we were impressed. There were 4-5 nurses with him the whole time. We were the only ones there because he was the last procedure. Results should be in next week so hopefully there is a magic pill that will make him feel like a million bucks.

Scope

Just wanted to do a quick update. It is luck of the draw as to how Ryker is feeling and how he sleeps. We are hanging in there though...
We have a scope scheduled for him on Wednesday the 20th at noon. I can't feed him anything for 24 hours! Just clear liquids and then nothing at all except water for 12 hours before then no sippy to help him out on the way down....poor little guy!
The thoughts of turning a crying, scared little guy over to the nurses who will then poke him and make him fall asleep literally makes me sick to my stomach. I really don't know if I can do it! Although it isn't "surgery", he still is being put under anesthesia and I still have to let me little boy go for a time. I can't even go to a movie or out for the night because I hate to be away from him...
I sure hope something comes out of this that can help him because he does not deserve any of it. It makes me so anxious to think about how all this will affect him in the future. What if he can't eat like the others? What will it do to him if he can't have sleepovers with his friends? What stigma will be attached to him if he is on medication and sick? :(
The things I am doing now just seem so inadequate. Everyday I feel more and more insufficient. I think "Someone else can do this better and make him feel better and make Ryker grow into a better child and adult." I guess my solace is knowing that I am his comfort. I alone can make him feel better when he is sick. I am just going to have to let the "supermom" ideals fall away for a time and just offer comfort to this little man.
Wish us luck and prayers are always appreciated. Thank you for all of your support.

A Little Longer...

I keep telling myself "hold on, just a little bit longer. Things WILL get better!" Today is not one of those days. It is not my day, this sucks and I want OUT!

This week has SUCKED! Ryker is getting worse. Horrible pain everynight with nothing that we can do to help. He "sleeps" in our bed and is waking earlier and earlier to do so. Tossing, turning, hitting his head on our noses and the headboard just trying desperately to get away from the pain- you get the picture. Little sleep, little hope, little relief, more worry and more crankiness during the day have left me worn right out. On top of that, this situation is steadily going downhill even though we are doing everything we can. Give. Me. A. Break!

Got a call from the doctor (who I think is the best there is). He said that Ryker's tests show that he has some inflammation going on in his intestines and it could be caused by either a chronic infection, Crohn's disease or some other disorder. Grrreat...so what do we do now? My little guy has to be put under anesthesia and have some scopes done. When? I don't know-but I already dread that day. So... now we wait, and wait and wait because you know- we will have the scope and it will take up to a week for results to come back and another week to actually get treatment (if there is any). This, in my book isn't a light at the end of the tunnel...just a shot in the dark hoping that he will somehow get relief.

I worry so much that this will be forever- like my Grandma says "it has already been forever because it was yesterday, today and tomorrow. That is forever!" The thoughts of putting him under anesthesia and even more pain make me sick to my stomach. The thoughts that he will live like this forever is also eating away at me. Alright- have to stop myself because I could go on and on...

I am going to rant a bit, so please avert your eyes if you aren't wanting to listen. I understand. Parenting is supposed to be hard- I get that! But this? THIS? The worrying, the fear, the sadness, the hopelessness- they are overtaking the precious time I have with Ryker as a baby. There isn't a second during the day that I am not worrying about his eating, sleeping, growth, pain or even the possibility that he might not grow up. No one knows what this is like because well, no one that I know has gone through this. All the kids I know are healthy. Not a one that doesn't sleep and eat. What am I doing wrong? <---there is my rant. I am finished...for now.

Someone, please let me off this ride- it is not fun and is just picking up speed.