A Little Longer...

I keep telling myself "hold on, just a little bit longer. Things WILL get better!" Today is not one of those days. It is not my day, this sucks and I want OUT!

This week has SUCKED! Ryker is getting worse. Horrible pain everynight with nothing that we can do to help. He "sleeps" in our bed and is waking earlier and earlier to do so. Tossing, turning, hitting his head on our noses and the headboard just trying desperately to get away from the pain- you get the picture. Little sleep, little hope, little relief, more worry and more crankiness during the day have left me worn right out. On top of that, this situation is steadily going downhill even though we are doing everything we can. Give. Me. A. Break!

Got a call from the doctor (who I think is the best there is). He said that Ryker's tests show that he has some inflammation going on in his intestines and it could be caused by either a chronic infection, Crohn's disease or some other disorder. Grrreat...so what do we do now? My little guy has to be put under anesthesia and have some scopes done. When? I don't know-but I already dread that day. So... now we wait, and wait and wait because you know- we will have the scope and it will take up to a week for results to come back and another week to actually get treatment (if there is any). This, in my book isn't a light at the end of the tunnel...just a shot in the dark hoping that he will somehow get relief.

I worry so much that this will be forever- like my Grandma says "it has already been forever because it was yesterday, today and tomorrow. That is forever!" The thoughts of putting him under anesthesia and even more pain make me sick to my stomach. The thoughts that he will live like this forever is also eating away at me. Alright- have to stop myself because I could go on and on...

I am going to rant a bit, so please avert your eyes if you aren't wanting to listen. I understand. Parenting is supposed to be hard- I get that! But this? THIS? The worrying, the fear, the sadness, the hopelessness- they are overtaking the precious time I have with Ryker as a baby. There isn't a second during the day that I am not worrying about his eating, sleeping, growth, pain or even the possibility that he might not grow up. No one knows what this is like because well, no one that I know has gone through this. All the kids I know are healthy. Not a one that doesn't sleep and eat. What am I doing wrong? <---there is my rant. I am finished...for now.

Someone, please let me off this ride- it is not fun and is just picking up speed.

Family Fun

Lately we have really been enjoying being our own little family. With Ryker getting older, it is more fun to take him places because he genuinely enjoys going out. In the past few weeks, we have taken a drive to Hardware Ranch to see the elk- suprise, no snow=no elk. It was a quick, cold, windy trip and this picture is terrible, but we still had fun talking and enjoying the scenery on the way up.

Ryker hates sleep, but he loves naps with Daddy. Here they are on the couch in "the thinker" and "quit taking pictures" positions. I love my guys!

We went to our ward party last night. It was really fun and great food. Dustin and I switched off taking Ryker to run the halls. All the other babies (toddlers?) his age sit very content...not our maniac! He was squealing and trying to pound on the piano and well, being himself. Tyson, a neighbor boy has a little brother the same age as Ryker and he played with Ryker all night saying "my baby doesn't walk yet! Look at him walk! (VERY loud forced laugh) He keeps saying tee-tee! (Another laugh)" Man, it was so fun to see him interact with other kids. I am sure we are the "bad parents" in our ward because our kid doesn't know how to "behave" but hey, how do you discipline a 1 year old and "make" him sit still. I say mission impossible.

Anyways, this is getting long. They had Santa come and I thought- oh, Ryker loves everyone! He will be fine...

Not so! Screaming bloody murder the second I put him on his lap. This picture makes me laugh so hard though (I know, scared does not equal funny, but I beg to differ!) Check out another post below for everything that makes me giggle about Ryker.

We are so glad we have our little guy and can experience being a kid all over again!

This kid...

....makes me giggle!
He:

Puts 'nannas' on his head and says "uh-oh!" Screamed bloody murder the second we put him on Santa's lap (this one especially makes me giggle- is it mean to find humor in his pain?)

Gets a Carrot-top beard while eating spaghettios

Looks like a G in that hat and shirt (ignore the yucky carpet-we rent, remember)

Beware: mustache picture....

Thinks daddy's mustache was silly. I on the other hand found it to be absolutely horrendous. This was the last picture with that horrid thing- disclaimer: my husband is the hottest guy around- sans mustache!

Waits patiently for mommy when she goes to warm up the car in the mornings. I return to this huge grin across his face- love him!

I love my little guy and the many giggles he gives me everyday. Kids really do keep you young (except that no sleep part :)

The Good (No Bad or Ugly)

We got Ryker's test results and the good news is that he does not have celiac disease or cystic fibrosis! Don't get me wrong- I am very glad that he does not have a serious disease. We just can't help him becuase we don't know what is wrong! So so frustrating, but now we wait until we go see the great doctors down at Primary Childrens (December 12th). Thanks for all the support and prayers- they are very much appreciated.


In other news- we have chosen a house plan!! We still haven't got the lot stuff all squared away (hopefully by late January) but since the owner kind of likes us we think he is still game to have us as neighbors :)


Anyways- let me have your input- the good, the bad and the ugly.

Here is the outside- it will be jazzed up a bit with some rock and hardy board. It will be darker too. There will also be 3 dormers on the roof. Basically, it won't look like this :)

Here is the houseplan itself. Horrible picture but I don't know how to get a bigger one. Anyways, there are a few changes that I tried to write in. They are just small: double sided wood burning fireplace, mudroom, walk in pantry and possibly a half bath added to the back of the house near the laundry and minor changes in the master bath.

• 
  Things I LOVE about this plan:
  Huge master (16X21) and large bedrooms (12X12)
  Nice open living area with a large island in the kitchen (don't be suprised if I never ever leave that kitchen).
  Fireplace and nice sitting area in back- I can envision myself sitting in my sunroom (I have always wanted one!) sitting with a book, blanket, hot cider and a nice fire reading a book while the snow falls. *sigh*
  Large walk in pantry for all of my future canning.
  Bonus room for crafts and lots of family fun!
  Dustin just loves the 3 car garage and we will be adding a lift for him to perfect his Camaro.

There is also a bonus room above the whole house that doubles our space (YEAH!) Since we can't have a basement due to the high water table, we are building up.

Seriously, tell me your input because living in this cracker box, I have no real ideas as to what makes a great house!

I CANNOT WAIT!

Failure...

I will get to the failure part but I thought I would throw in a little bit of the craziness in our lives lately.
I am still trying to finish up with school (only 2 more weeks!) I have tests, assignments, papers, discussions...something due everyday. I will be so glad when this is all over! If you hear a loud "WAHOO!" on December 12th, don't worry, it's just me letting everyone know that I am free!
I have also been super busy with AVON. I had two boutiques this weekend and they both went well. I also now have 7 people working under me so that keeps me busy but I am really enjoying it!
On to the not so fun stuff that isn't looking like we'll have answers soon.... As you know if you read my blog, Ryker has acid reflux. We don't know what has happened in the last few weeks but it has gotten much worse. He is now on a fairly restricted diet and on the maximum medication that his little body will allow. Good news- he has increased in height quite a bit and is at the 57th percentile for height. He has not gained weight for three months and hadn't gained for the previous three months either. I think he is maybe a pound heavier than he was at 6 months.
Anyhow, the doctors up here can't do anything so we are scheduled at Primary Children's on December 21st. What a long wait when my little guy is in pain! I have an appointment with Dr. Armstrong up here next week because I hear he's the best.
I think this may be the hardest thing I have ever been through. I can't do anything for my sick baby and his cry is so sad because he is in pain. The constant wiggling to try to get comfortable, gulping swallows to try to keep the acid down and inability to sleep is all really getting to me because I can't do anything! Perhaps the worst is when I called the doctor last week and they repeated his notes to me. Included was the diagnosis of "failure to thrive". I can't think of a worse term. To a mother (or at least me) it sounds like "well, you don't do enough or feed him enough or take care of him well enough!" I know I know, it's a term to describe his poor weight gain but come on- FAILURE to THRIVE?!?!
Hopefully next week holds the answers we are looking for.
PS- happy post below about birthdays.

1 YEAR!

One year ago today, I first held the cutest little boy ever. It has been such a crazy year and I can't believe it has gone by so fast! He is full of life and is so interested in everything. I love that he can't miss a thing and know that in the future he will be so successful because of his enthusiasm.

I have had so much fun being a mommy. I am blessed to be this crazy kid's mommy and know that in the next year it will be just as fun and filled with suprises as this year.

Happy Birthday Little Man! We love you!

Thanks Nikelle (Ryker's Cousin) for this great Happy Birthday Song!

Changing

I know...what a sweet little stud muffin :)

Ryker has been changing so fast! He learns not just one new thing everyday but about 10 it seems like! Some of his most recent accomplishments:

Saying Daddy (Dustin is so proud!)

Saying "vrooom!" with lots of spit bubbles when pushing his trucks

Saying something that resembles "thank you"

Bringing me things he wants, like the whole box of graham crackers or whole huge bag of cereal :)

Kissing me right on the lips, open mouthed. He will not take "no" for an answer! I know, he will be real smooth with the ladies :)

Making messes...big messes.

Knowing when he is in trouble before he gets reprimanded...and he's starting to get sneaky!

Walking quite a bit! Climbing a lot!

Bringing me books to read. His favorite- The Foot Book by Dr. Seuss

And I am sure I have missed so so much. He is so fun and I am sad to see him getting big.

In other news, Dustin got a deer! We are enjoying steak, roast and quite a bit of jerky. Mmmmm...

1 Year Pictures

My grandma Shanna took these pictures for Ryker's first birthday- November 5th. I love this cute little man to pieces!

This makes him look just like Dustin!

My favorite!

His new "snorty" face!

Changes

Ryker is changing so fast and learning so many things! In the past week he has learned to:

• Give a high-five!
• Say "uh-oh"
• Take 2-3 steps!
• Laugh out loud to get our attention (he thinks he is so neat!)
• Make a lot more sounds that sounds like talking
• Make me so proud and happy!

I am going to start an AVON fundraiser (see previous post) for the Billings family special needs children. They have 9 adopted children all with special needs. They were gunned down for absolutely no reason in their own home in Florida. Now their oldest daughter is raising all 9, trying to keep up with 2 mortgages and the will her parents had is not valid (can you IMAGINE
?!?) I was shocked that they had only had $1100 donated to them! 40% of the price of all products ordered will go to their children. Read more about the family by clicking on the picture (they were on Oprah yesterday).
I will post a link so that you can buy the products (lotion, bubble bath, body wash, body spray and hand sanitizer). If you would be willing to help by circulating flyers to your neighborhood or ward I will give you a free gift! Thanks!

Silly

There are many things to smile about everyday. I smile because I know that no other job on earth allows you to have a giggling baby climbing all over you while you are happily cleaning. I love staying at home! Here are some silly adventures from the past few weeks:

We also dressed him up in his Alcatraz outfit that my mom got on her trip a little while ago. It says "Alcatraz Penitentary Fugitive...you never saw me." So cute!

Then tere is Ryker's silly way of sleeping. He is always wiggling and moving. This is how I found him during his nap the other day...

That my friends, is an ear next to a foot...
He keeps me on my toes!

Growing up...

I have been a slacker. Ryker is starting to get big SO fast and I haven't been keeping up well. In the last month, he:
Said his first words: Mama, Banana, Apple, Dada, Grandma...
Got very fast at crawling and "mogely walking"
Started to stand on his own
Shakes his head "no-no-no" all the time (but thankfully doesn't get the meaning...yet)
Waves
Gives lots of lovies and kisses
And I am sure lots more that I have missed.
He is so dang fun, I can't stand it. He is busy as a bee all the time, so that is why my house looks like it does :)
Here are some recent pictures:

Silly faces!

Riding to the dam...kind of a tight fit! :)

Nothing better than swimming naked while eating licorice!

9 Months

We went in for our little guy's 9 month check up and found out...he really is a little guy!

He is tipping the scales at 15.44 pounds, just .6 pounds more than his 6 month check up. So as if parenting isn't already full of worries, I now have to worry that there is something wrong because he is now in the ZERO percentile. His acid reflux and the hard month we just had with that is probably to blame. He is perfectly healthy and super active, so the Dr. just wants a weight check in a month. Until then, it's nothing but junk junk, junk! Just kidding- I don't need him even more wired!

As far as milestones go, he is now standing on his own for about 10 seconds, babbles constantly, finds hidden toys, throws mini-tantrums which are easily resolved, sleeps for 9 hour stretches and 12-13 hours at night :), giggles constantly, loves his daddy more than anything and is becoming quite the lady killer with those baby blues (Mommy just melts when he smiles or giggles).

Come out come out where ever you are!

Spring Break!

Hey everyone,
It's Spring Break and I kicked it off by...sleeping in. Ryker slept till 9, which is unheard of for my early riser...usually it is 6:30. So what's on the agenda this week? NOTHING! I will probably be bored but I'm going to try to get my house all cleaned and organized.
In other news, Ryker is 4 months old! He is so huge. I packed up all the clothes that are too small and looking at those premie clothes amazed me. He was that small? I don't remember! He is so curious. Hard to control him at meal time cuz he just wants to look around. He is eating cereal and gets so mad when its gone. He also gets mad when we eat without him.

Notice the curiousity...can't keep anything out of his hands :)

He also rolled over today. He has done this before but now he actually knows what he is doing. He also sits up, sometimes he falls over but for the most part he can sit by himself. I took him to the store and put him in the cart today. He sat like a big boy even though his legs don't even come out of the leg holes in the cart :)


That's all that is going on right now...enjoying the extremely snowy spring break...the irony.
Ashley, Dustin and Ryker