Scope

Just wanted to do a quick update. It is luck of the draw as to how Ryker is feeling and how he sleeps. We are hanging in there though...
We have a scope scheduled for him on Wednesday the 20th at noon. I can't feed him anything for 24 hours! Just clear liquids and then nothing at all except water for 12 hours before then no sippy to help him out on the way down....poor little guy!
The thoughts of turning a crying, scared little guy over to the nurses who will then poke him and make him fall asleep literally makes me sick to my stomach. I really don't know if I can do it! Although it isn't "surgery", he still is being put under anesthesia and I still have to let me little boy go for a time. I can't even go to a movie or out for the night because I hate to be away from him...
I sure hope something comes out of this that can help him because he does not deserve any of it. It makes me so anxious to think about how all this will affect him in the future. What if he can't eat like the others? What will it do to him if he can't have sleepovers with his friends? What stigma will be attached to him if he is on medication and sick? :(
The things I am doing now just seem so inadequate. Everyday I feel more and more insufficient. I think "Someone else can do this better and make him feel better and make Ryker grow into a better child and adult." I guess my solace is knowing that I am his comfort. I alone can make him feel better when he is sick. I am just going to have to let the "supermom" ideals fall away for a time and just offer comfort to this little man.
Wish us luck and prayers are always appreciated. Thank you for all of your support.

A Little Longer...

I keep telling myself "hold on, just a little bit longer. Things WILL get better!" Today is not one of those days. It is not my day, this sucks and I want OUT!

This week has SUCKED! Ryker is getting worse. Horrible pain everynight with nothing that we can do to help. He "sleeps" in our bed and is waking earlier and earlier to do so. Tossing, turning, hitting his head on our noses and the headboard just trying desperately to get away from the pain- you get the picture. Little sleep, little hope, little relief, more worry and more crankiness during the day have left me worn right out. On top of that, this situation is steadily going downhill even though we are doing everything we can. Give. Me. A. Break!

Got a call from the doctor (who I think is the best there is). He said that Ryker's tests show that he has some inflammation going on in his intestines and it could be caused by either a chronic infection, Crohn's disease or some other disorder. Grrreat...so what do we do now? My little guy has to be put under anesthesia and have some scopes done. When? I don't know-but I already dread that day. So... now we wait, and wait and wait because you know- we will have the scope and it will take up to a week for results to come back and another week to actually get treatment (if there is any). This, in my book isn't a light at the end of the tunnel...just a shot in the dark hoping that he will somehow get relief.

I worry so much that this will be forever- like my Grandma says "it has already been forever because it was yesterday, today and tomorrow. That is forever!" The thoughts of putting him under anesthesia and even more pain make me sick to my stomach. The thoughts that he will live like this forever is also eating away at me. Alright- have to stop myself because I could go on and on...

I am going to rant a bit, so please avert your eyes if you aren't wanting to listen. I understand. Parenting is supposed to be hard- I get that! But this? THIS? The worrying, the fear, the sadness, the hopelessness- they are overtaking the precious time I have with Ryker as a baby. There isn't a second during the day that I am not worrying about his eating, sleeping, growth, pain or even the possibility that he might not grow up. No one knows what this is like because well, no one that I know has gone through this. All the kids I know are healthy. Not a one that doesn't sleep and eat. What am I doing wrong? <---there is my rant. I am finished...for now.

Someone, please let me off this ride- it is not fun and is just picking up speed.

Updates

I have caught up a lot so check below if you want to know how Christmas was for us :)

Ryker-
His tummy is still bad. Our Primary Children's appointment gave us a lot of hope. We are waiting for test results and going back in for another test Friday. The doctor is testing for pancreatic enzyme disfunctions (would require medication), celiac disease (would require special diet) and cystic fibrosis again (this is not good and scares me, so we won't talk about it).
I think he is also allergic to pomegranites. He had an allergic reaction with terrible, bleeding diaper rash while I wasn't there :( He seems okay today, but his little bum is still burned :(

Ashley-
Enjoying being home and not in school. I am looking into a part-time job and haven't heard back from the three places I applied. I am loving being a stay at home mom and loving my time with Ryker!

Dustin-
Working hard but enjoying his time off. He has been snowmobiling a few times and loved his time off and playing with Ryker. They are best pals and I love watching their relationship!

Fun!

Oh wow, I must have been really busy lately- funny thing is, my appointment book looks like this ____________________ completely blank!! No school, no work- just fun!

We have been having a whole lot of fun lately! New Years Eve brought lots of fun at Dustin's parents. We have quite a puzzle obsession lately and also have been having fun playing spoons and oh darn!

New Years Day brought, guess what, MORE games at Grandma Nielsen's! We had good food and lots of fun. I love being with everyone so much- it is too bad that we are always so busy.

Like Dustin and I always tell each other- "there is never enough time or money!"

Dustin has found a little time out in the powder- Ryker thought he would help daddy get ready to go snowmobiling.

I have learned since Ryker was born to not take for granted or waste time EVER!

Christmas 2009

Yay horray! Santa came! He brought Ryker a stick horse, hut and mini tractors! He loved it all and hides in his hut all the time.

We had a very busy Christmas (as usual). Grandma Shanna's party on the Sunday before Christmas was fancy ;) Grandpa Jay's party on Christmas Eve was crazy as always! Grandma Nielsen's on Christmas morning did not disappoint. Grandma Baers was a nice place to catch up.

We really enjoyed our first Christmas that Ryker actually, well kindof understood!

I love being around family and friends and the wonderful feeling that Christmas brings.

What a Big Girl!

Our niece Nikelle turned 3 just before Christmas. I cannot believe how big she is and how fast her first 3 years have flown by! To celebrate we went sledding at Old Main- my neurotic, worry wart self has a hard time watching people fly down the hill toward cars without anything to stop them, but it was fun :)

Birthday Girl!

I love this cute picture! Kristi, Colby and Kelle

Us! Ignore my high heel boots- I did not know we were going sledding :)

All Bundled Up!

YES!

I am DONE with my bachelors degree at Utah State University!

I graduated Magna Cum Laude with a BS in Psychology with minors in both Biology and Chemistry.

Commencement was December 12th and probably the best day since Ryker was born! My whole family was there and I so appreciate their support. I couldn't have done it without ALL of them! Ryker was such a champ- he walked with me when I received my diploma! He slept through the whole thing but it was great to carry him knowing that he is the reason I do everything I do.

My grandma Joyce wrote a beautiful poem and I honored her and my grandpa with a stoll of gratitude. What a truly perfect day! (minus the snow!)

So what now? I am going to find a part-time job and am qualified for quite a few different positions. With the economy, I will pretty much take what I can get. Really, I am a mommy first but with a new house an extra income will help.