A Little Longer...

I keep telling myself "hold on, just a little bit longer. Things WILL get better!" Today is not one of those days. It is not my day, this sucks and I want OUT!

This week has SUCKED! Ryker is getting worse. Horrible pain everynight with nothing that we can do to help. He "sleeps" in our bed and is waking earlier and earlier to do so. Tossing, turning, hitting his head on our noses and the headboard just trying desperately to get away from the pain- you get the picture. Little sleep, little hope, little relief, more worry and more crankiness during the day have left me worn right out. On top of that, this situation is steadily going downhill even though we are doing everything we can. Give. Me. A. Break!

Got a call from the doctor (who I think is the best there is). He said that Ryker's tests show that he has some inflammation going on in his intestines and it could be caused by either a chronic infection, Crohn's disease or some other disorder. Grrreat...so what do we do now? My little guy has to be put under anesthesia and have some scopes done. When? I don't know-but I already dread that day. So... now we wait, and wait and wait because you know- we will have the scope and it will take up to a week for results to come back and another week to actually get treatment (if there is any). This, in my book isn't a light at the end of the tunnel...just a shot in the dark hoping that he will somehow get relief.

I worry so much that this will be forever- like my Grandma says "it has already been forever because it was yesterday, today and tomorrow. That is forever!" The thoughts of putting him under anesthesia and even more pain make me sick to my stomach. The thoughts that he will live like this forever is also eating away at me. Alright- have to stop myself because I could go on and on...

I am going to rant a bit, so please avert your eyes if you aren't wanting to listen. I understand. Parenting is supposed to be hard- I get that! But this? THIS? The worrying, the fear, the sadness, the hopelessness- they are overtaking the precious time I have with Ryker as a baby. There isn't a second during the day that I am not worrying about his eating, sleeping, growth, pain or even the possibility that he might not grow up. No one knows what this is like because well, no one that I know has gone through this. All the kids I know are healthy. Not a one that doesn't sleep and eat. What am I doing wrong? <---there is my rant. I am finished...for now.

Someone, please let me off this ride- it is not fun and is just picking up speed.